Long read

I have had a lifetime of escalating depression and self-isolation. Over time I have seen everyone who claims to love me either dying, abandoning or betraying me. This reached a climax a few years ago when an ex of 10 years traded my love and friendship for the allure of a new relationship. This filled me with an anger I’ve never felt before. Let’s call it “cold fire.” The cold fire invaded my heart and solar plexus.

I tried to handle it on my own at first. I allowed myself to cry every day, but the well of tears was unending. I wrote feverishly to purge my feelings over this wasted relationship, for hours, until I had more than 20 pages, but it didn’t give me closure. I ran, up hills, in the heat of summer, furiously, until it literally damaged my heart. But it gave me no rest. Then I reached out to the suicide hotline and text support. They did their best but it wasn’t enough. I went online and started looking for the most painless way to kill myself, but couldnt get past the fear. Then I sought out chat rooms for depression. I found nothing there but what seemed like teenagers hanging out. I went to another chat room where I thought I could avoid the teenage vibes, which ended up being an “adults only”/bdsm room.

I dabbled there. I found willing, submissive men and took out my rage on them. It wasn’t enough to quell the cold fire within me. Then I was approached by someone who claimed to be drawn to me by that energy. I hadn’t intended to submit to anyone, but for whatever reason, I gave my sexual consent to this man.

At the time, I didn’t realize that he was manipulating me energetically at the same time. This included energetic rape. I felt things I didn’t know were possible. I also found myself under psychic attack. After I revoked my consent, he offered to “teach” me the art of the darkness. This guy wasn’t terribly clever, and I found him to be a chronic liar and manipulator. However, knowing this did not keep me from wanting to learn from him.


He had me doing things like putting myself through physical pain, and focusing on the dark feelings within. A lot of meditation in which I was told to envision only him and I. A common effect of this was that I found myself able to let go of control and be moved by other forces. My spine would find itself moving rapidly in figure 8s. Sometimes it would push me over and even enter me. Eventually I got to a point that he referred to as “crossing over”. My voice changed. The cold fire in my solar plexus felt like a vortex, where this darkness could be raised. The silence around me became thick and insulating. During this time, I realized that when I tried to use reiki, Darkness would be piqued instead of light.

Eventually I made my choice and sent him away, and I no longer practice what he taught me. But as a relative noob to the spiritual world, I feel lost. I know what I experienced was real, but since this guy was such a liar and manipulator, I don’t know what exactly happened to me. I had my reiki checked out my reiki master, who told me everything seems fine. I also plan to see a shaman soon to make sure all is well with my spirit.

I feel embarrassed writing this, but I am doing so in hopes that some of you more experienced folks could shine some light upon me. Could this have been a forced kundalini awakening? A possession? Thank you for your insight.

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