I had a revelation while in group today. While we were going over the concepts of avoidance, I realized that most of my problems with getting a job stem from my relationship with my father. Freudian psychoanalytics aside, the abuse I suffered under his roof led to a deeply seeded fear of failure. When everything you do results in some sort of dire reprimand from a cruel, compassionless narcissist, you learn to stick with the things you are the best at. For me, this means sticking with my writing and other talents I feel are within my comfort zone and letting the rest of my life fall to the wayside.
It’s really that powerful, the trauma of my past. Getting thrown around and berated for the smallest errors have warped my reality so much that I feel unable to hold a job because I constantly expect that sort of treatment from everyone. For the few jobs I’ve been able to hold for a period of time, I’ve felt like I had to learn to be a sociopath, because I am so hellbent on providing the best of the best service to the customers or company, and often it is not possible to keep pace with the demands when you need to spend your efforts on quality over quantity, less you suffer a nervous breakdown out of nowhere.
We covered how important it is to stretch your comfort zone gradually, so I think it is possible to be able to work some time in the future, at least part time doing something not stressful. I’m working on surviving the day to day. I went to get a TB test after group, and the energy of the room where I needed to wait for them to call my number was too much. There were very low vibrations from that crowd of people, and it put me on edge within seconds of walking in the door. There are other options for me to get a test done before next week when my time at this respite runs out and I need to be shuffled to an emergency bed in a shelter.
I think I’m doing well all things considered. A year ago I was completely lost just on the prospect of becoming homeless, and now I am ready to embrace sleeping at a tent city during the winter if it comes to that. One of the things I used to counter my negative thinking today was the admission that I have alternative strengths. A lot of times I get down on myself for being subhuman, or otherwise lesser than most people. But, in truth, I have a lot going for me. Not everyone could handle being through what I have been and come out the other side still sane.
Well, that’s debatable. I’m sure most people who see me think there is something wrong with me. And, sure, I’m on the far edge of the bell curve as far as “normal” is concerned. But, one thing being an alien on my home planet has taught me is how strong the human character really is. Being forced to survive outside the common ground most people never deviate from, I see the relativity of our culture’s primary operating systems. The memes that rule the minds of the masses are parasitic in ways you would never know unless you were on the outside looking in.
For that I am grateful, for it allows me to take the role of a tech who is burdened with fixing the biggest problems of society. A shaman is a wounded healer. Having gone on a journey of self-exploration and returned through the suffering of their soul, they are able to help people who are going through the same sort of pain. Additionally, they have a greater sense of how their actions impact the collective unconscious. Like a butterfly aware of how their wings can generate a hurricane, the shaman uses their unique life experiences to nudge the world towards more positive futures one action at a time.
I feel this is my job – I am a monk living on the streets whose primary mission is to heal so that my future potential grows. Along the way, I can make other people suffer a little less and spread light in the form of inspiration and insight. I cannot lead any specific horse to water, but by being a beacon, I can help guide the flock on the path as the shepherd does.
This I have known for ages, but now, on the precipice of actualize my potential, there is no hubris. The truth is, we all have this role, but I happen to be in a position where I see with clarity how important it is for me to take seriously this civic duty to help the wanders, the seekers, and the lowest among us. To keep pushing myself to see the extent of the human condition will not only make me better able to survive in all aspects of society, but it will make me a better person who can more fully empathize with the full range of human beings who walk the Earth.
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