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Phoenix rising from the ashes. Gaining spiritual will after 4-year psychosis I recovered from 8 years ago, delayed my growth.

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Where I am now?

I have suffered immense struggles in my past. And through these challenging moments, the phoenix has risen from the ashes. I can now take on challenges, most people are incapable of or will even cower from the thought of even trying and I have transformed what looked like another statistic to a life tragedy into a fighter who can overcome anything.

How I got there?

My adolescence around 12 was consumed by a combination of my fathers job loss spanning a year whilst my mother required surgery for her stomach cancer and had to have her womb removed. Finances were low as debts piled up and daily living became a struggle. This all was compounded into a whirlwind of chaos after my brother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, where suspicion arose from loud screaming and fights between my mother and brother and other mood swings at home. This life situation where I was expected to put on a happy face like all other good little teenagers, became exhausting. So much so I experienced a psychotic episode from 12 to 16.

In this psychosis…

I gradually drifted from friends as I couldn't maintain the pretense all the other kids in the prime of their lives experienced. Partying, drinking, relationships, joking and having fun. So I retreated to an imaginary world for 4 years, consisting of hallucinatory voices, insomnia, seeing shadows at night, hearing real people I knew from school, all speak via hallucinatory voices from any one of my eleven neighbours houses. It wasn't actually them, but I recognized the voice from real life which is why it took so long for me to realise none of this was 'real'. Some cultures consider this part of a shamanistic awakening and would scout the child/teenager for training to be the village shaman, however the western world considers this an illness as the material reductionist worldview cannot ascertain such phenomenon.

However, I grew paranoid, thinking everyone was laughing at me, voices will target my deepest insecurities and as I heard them in my mind they were inescapable which would erode my confidence to the vanishing point of non existence. A state of absolute despair that at the time, I would not know I would recover from at that time. I began being too scared to go out of the house, and blocked all the windows thinking I was being stalked by my peers who I went to school with.

I could not listen to a radio station or go anywhere with people without being bombarded with an endless stream of hallucinatory voices. I was an insomiac for 4 years, with never a moment of peace throughout this time. And I believe this was driven by escapism, as a large part of my delusions was being a famous comedian that telepathically communicated via street lights. When reality came knocking, I grew sluggish and depressed. I could barely function. This was a weak moment in my life.

Recovery

Age 16, I am diagnosed and treated with anti psychotics. It all went away and after 1 year when I turned 17, I went off them cold turkey against my doctors will. I just didn't like the fact I had put on 25 KG at the age of 16/17. I was unfit, tired and this physical state lowered my self-esteem.

I had to fight the authority of teams authorizing my hospitalization and treated me like a criminal despite me never having done anything wrong. This lead to be grow a strong internal sense of will to override any external force that was being thrown at me, and this today can show itself in the form of standing up to bullying and mean people regardless of their status or position. I truly don't give a f*ck. However, I do treat respectable people with respect.

1 year later, and the withdrawal symptoms of twitches and uncontrollable movements were all vanquished. At 18, it was all in the past, but the usual 6 years of growth most people had, I missed out on. So in a way I was a 12 year old boy entering the real world.

Entering the real world – Detour. 18-21

I spent the first 3 years working in fitness, and pursuing creative outlets. I wrote songs with band and had a couple performances, I tried improv comedy and tried a little story writing. I was basically a teenager, due to the 4 year setback from 12-16. After a family reunion I discovered I needed to gain a proper direction and decided to commit to a solid career path.

Entering the real world – This time I am serious. 21-24.

I managed to enter a degree of 4 years for a double major. This is where I truly grew into myself. I went from an average student to a top student scoring streams of A's and A+s in all subjects.

I landed a few job interviews that rejection from a love interest had prompted me to focus my attention toward. I stumbled over the first few, but learned from these mistakes and am ready to nail the next one this year, as I approach graduation. Its time to get everything finally happening!!

I also have made a new friend that I am happy to have made. They are a girl, but have a boyfriend and I do not wish to disrespect that, so I am happy to remain friends. I appreciate it. I would date them if they were single though, and that says a lot considering I used MG TOW for a wee bit to cope with the state of my life.

Final reflection

I feel as if I was never given a proper shot at a normal life and have been exposed to a range of philosophies and spiritual practices to try to rectify such a conundrum.

The situation of a fighter against all odds, to gain a life of purpose, and preferably with some people I care about. Therefore, I do aim to be successful but only for the sense of personal achievement and freedom, and eventually fulfilling a purpose against injustice such as the imprisonment of Julian Assange and other corrupt situations brought about by excessive power of rule!

I will one day, live my purpose despite so many things slowing me down or people getting in my way! Storm the house down and call the troops cause shit is about to get real!

Phoenix

I have realised I can overcome anything with the right energy and mindset. The proof is in the pudding, as studies show 70% of people who have psychosis for longer than 1 year are unable to work at ALL in their lives. Well I had it for 4 years and well I'm working. Now, once I am able to crush this final semester, I will be on my way to glory! Nothing can stop me!

The phoenix rises from ashes and shouts shit is about to get real.

submitted by /u/ColmMacodh [link] [comments]

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