Catharsis: needed! As the coronavirus pandemic halts everyday life, frustration and fear are spiking…and the public needs some relief. We turned to the Instagram and Twitter feeds of our favorite celebrities to borrow coping strategies for every zodiac sign.
Pop culture might seem like the exact wrong place to go now—but hear us out! Watching helplessly as bad news and grim realities set in, we’re all feeling the burn (and no, we’re not talking about the 2020 Democratic primaries). It’s only natural to want to do something, especially if you’re stuck in self-quarantine or a parent in the grips of “remote schooling rage.”
So we took a cue from the celebrities and public figures of every zodiac sign. This is how they’re channeling their anxiety and concern, uplifting their fans and working hard to convince us all to stay the f*** home. Borrow from their tactics as you will.
Aries: Distract the public with your hotness. Subtly remind us that ahem, it’s also your birthday season.
Real Housewives of New Jersey cast member Melissa Gorga kicks off her 41st year with a public service announcement of sorts—reminding us that a decade hasn’t made a dent in her good looks cuz, well, she’s an Aries. May we all be the picture of such good health.
Taurus: Don trucker cap, remove makeup, belt out ballad.
What’s a Taurus talk show host, singer and TV judge to do while sequestered in Montana? If not eating, baking, cooking or sleeping…let a vintage Mariah Carey cover rip, of course. Option 2: A TikTok dance party (lessons from fellow Bull and Hype Houser Charli D’Amelio free with subscription).
Gemini: Become the center of a celebrity scandal that drives up ratings for TV shows, albums, social media…and maybe raises money for a cure?
Leave it to Geminis to do things in a complicated yet possibly secretly genius way…maybe? At least, that’s what Gemini Kanye West has us wondering as nemesis Taylor Swift (Sagittarius) leaks a timely/ill-timed full recording of a scandalous private conversation…with a plea at the end to donate to the COVID-19 fight. Was this a right hook out of left field—or a three-way conspiracy for the cure? Where there’s a Gemini, we’ll always be left wondering.
Cancer: Go full emo and post nostalgic pics of loved ones, especially your ladies.
After accepting the #SafeHands video challenge from fellow Cancer Ariana Huffington, Selena Gomez waxed melancholy over a BFF. It’s lonely in the Crabshell after a while…
Leo: Post selfie. Solicit movie suggestions.
With a single snap, makeup mogul and mom Kylie Jenner reminded every “remote schooling” mother that feeling frazzled and frumpy isn’t the only option…at least, when you’re a Leo.
Virgo: Cause a handwashing video challenge to go, er, viral.
Hygiene-fiend Virgos never met a soap dispenser they didn’t like! Virgo-Virgo couple Sheryl Sandberg and Jon Bernthal responded to the World Health Organization’s #SafeHands Challenge by posting a video of their own handwashing technique—basically a braingasm for this sign. Facebook mogul Sandberg tagged a few famous friends, who tagged their famous friends and potentially saved some lives. Let’s take a cue from this couple and lean in to the Softsoap pump a lot more often. Now stop touching your face!
Libra: Take a romantic, socially-distanced stroll to farmer’s market with love interest; coordinate face mask with outfit.
Leave it GOOP goddess Gwyneth to find a way to have her kale and eat it too. This Venus-ruled sign not only insists on self-care, but turns it into a “teachable moment” on Instagram, with a bonus opportunity to express gratitude. Namastay…at home?
Scorpio Option 1: Seek target. Point lasers. Destroy.
Right or wrong, hell hath no fury like a Scorpio scorned …
Scorpio Option 2: Transform the medical supply shortage crisis by sewing masks.
Scorpio fashion designer and Project Runway host Christian Siriano expressed the high-vibe “phoenix” form of his sign by offering to sew masks for hospital workers—and was commissioned by (Sagittarius) governor Andrew Cuomo.
Sagittarius: Start a socialist uprising (possibly by accident).
Sagittarius and unlikely pop proletariate (proletariette?) Britney Spears shocked the world with an Instagram declaring that “we will redistribute the wealth,” inspiring a trending hashtag #ComradeBritney. The singer cryptically capped off her caption with 3 rose emojis, the symbol for the Democratic Socialist party. Oops, she did it again…
Capricorn: Act like a responsible adult when the rest of us are freaking.
Always cool and collected in a crisis, Capricorns stay steady—and, like former FLOTUS Michelle Obama, use their Sea Goat sensibility to create a voter registration drive and dance party in one, with the subtle suggestion of a double entendre (“ready for another party?”).
Aquarius: Check in with friends, like, constantly.
Aquarius Ellen Degeneres called her Water Bearer pal Jennifer Aniston to “check in” every 30 minutes. As the most communal zodiac sign—now dealing with restrictive Saturn in Aquarius—we can hardly blame Ellen (or you) for having a social distancing meltdown. But if you’re feeling bad for Aniston, tough luck—the hashtag #poorjennifer is already trending for a totally different, cringeworthy reason (Google it).
Pisces: Turn virus prevention and “shelter in place” into totally legit reasons for a home beauty regimen.
Serial self-soothers, Pisces turn to the power of a beauty treatment in times of crisis. And if they happen to make it into a sponsored post like Pisces Drew Barrymore’s Aveeno dual-performing hand mask gloves…well, the economy’s in shambles so might as well make that loot. We agree: total #winwin
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