I'm deeply troubled spiritually, I don't know who to ask. I came from various religious background, rejected by them all, feeling so hopeless, and so confused. I am hoping a reply from someone really knowledgeable about spirituality and mysticism. Please only give kind responses, I am deeply hurting about this matter and I feel scared to talk to anyone about it. I'm borderline suicidal, please be kind.
I grew up in a born again Christian family. I was very active in the intercessory ministry during college and I also lead small groups of students. I've always had doubts or not full belief in the Christian doctrine, nevertheless, I lived for interceding for the world. I had very tough battles being bothered by negative entities. But it was worth it as my greatest joy to feel the weight and pain of humanity and bring it up to God in tears and pull down healing and love from the heavens towards the Earth. That was my occupation and life back then.
I started to lose it when I founded a fellowship in my institute and I met a guy who became my first boyfriend. To avoid the fleshly fire getting out of control, I cooled down the relationship even before we kissed, I imposed a no touch rule and he broke up with me later on. Since then, I had a worse struggle managing my fleshly cravings when my desires had been aroused but insecurities crept in with the way he disposed me.
Heart broken, I got trapped in the guilt of watching porn and masturbating, and I questioned the doctrine that some people can't ever be saved. I can't seem to change and turn away from sin, and I felt like one of those the doctrines would say were destined to hell, children of the devil who won't ever change.
Someone introduced me to Judaism and I found hope in there that at least it's up to our own decisions and actions, not a predestination to be saved. And I felt more empowered to change. I became so engrossed in the deeper studies of the Bible and a more profound state of intercession that I didn't mind cutting off connection with people as we were required. I was never lonely as I felt connected to the whole. My only problem with Judaism is that it raises my spirit/energy so high that it somewhat felt dangerous to get that power out of control when you fall out of discipline. It expanded the spectrum of my energy and emotions, and it was so hard to manage while living in a secular environment.
We were asked to leave our families and country to live with a strictly Jewish community, cutting off all communication for about a decade until we've disciplined enough but I was just not ready. I don't mind leaving my friends and family but I worried about my soulmate. I struggled with stronger sexual desires with higher spirituality, it was such a pain to have no one to share such beautiful passion, that I concluded I can't pursue a celibate life. At least, I wanted a partner to elevate my soul with.
The group was split in two later on. I joined the other group lead by a new teacher who was not as much strict and demanding as our rabbi. He also happened to be into a mixed kind of mysticism and invited me to join a secret school. I learned a type of meditation which became my new way of intercession without need for words. They have no religious affiliation and so that expanded my heart and understanding. The energy was not so high but just manageable even while living in a secular world. However, having no code to live by, right and wrong became all gray. My standards of morality somewhat got distorted.
In that mystic school, I met my soulmate through one event when all the different chapters gathered together. I recognized him through his eyes and I immediately agreed to be his wife.
However, he was from a shamanic lineage and much ahead of me in spirituality. I was so new in the world of mysticism. And we parted ways when I couldn't handle anymore the much tougher negative forces around him and he wanted to fight first his own battles so that I won't be harmed. We lived together for only 2 months but for two years I continued to believe in us and I felt him still there with me always.
He advised me to leave the group we had been part of. Then I joined a Buddhist group as a servant to monks. I loved the regular prayers recited, so full of awesome energy, except that I felt that it was not right that my fellow servants are being forced to join while they felt it was in conflict with their religion. I got them mad when I tried to voice out some concern with the work load and treatment especially when one of my fellow servants collapsed during meditation because of overwork and still she had to work right after that. I left the group also because I was disturbed by entities in the house we were staying and distracted when I felt attracted towards one visiting monk.
I returned to my soulmate, I visited him at home. He told me he's already with someone else but only temporarily and he will still come back to me. I turned atheist and got tired of believing in my soulmate. I started to fear it was just all fantasy in my head whenever I see and feel him with me. I never felt as much lonely but I thought I had to just give up. I also got tired with dealing with all those things that other people don't see/feel/understand. I got tired of feeling so weird. I closed my spiritual eyes. I said I just wanted to be a normal person from then on. I gave up on my soul or becoming the best I can be and having heaven on Earth. I just wanted a simple life, be happy with friends, family, and have my own family. I lost heart and compassion for the world.
I feel so empty, dry, and bored ever since I stopped interceding. It feels too tough to do without having a spiritual support group or even just a partner, even just an imaginary partner. But I'm scared to find and join a new one.
I'm longing to find a spiritual group but I'm so confused right now. At present, I am mostly inclined towards being atheist but I miss the kind of joy and fulfillment I had when I was serving God through intercession. But I doubt as well whether intercession really helps people. And there's also hesitation that comes from feeling so imbalanced, like I haven't enjoyed earthly life because I've spent most of the time in the spirit, interceding instead of pursuing some hobbies and passions, enjoying relationships with friends and family instead of being different and having hard time to relate with people.
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