Hey everyone 🙂

I've been posting a bit today, I have been going it solo with many unanswered questions and few people to talk to, and I am coming to very much appreciate the depth, variety and general support in this community/sub.. thank you!

So I guess (if its not clear from the title) I'm wondering in your experiments and experiences with life, how you have found the approach of looking outside yourself (with your mind/awareness) and going "I want to go and do X" (and going and doing it) vs looking within, feeling what the next move is and doing that.

Or do you do a combination?

Have you found the former to yield satisfying results? Or do you do the thing, find that it doesn't satisfy you and then set your sights on the next thing.

With the latter, do you find yourself desirous of more stuff/experiences/whatever "out there"?

I've been stuck in analysis paralysis and going round in circles the last few (7-8) years, being pretty nomadic (after a year long adventure overseas), not really settling or committing to things, and ultimately procrastinating about where I will live or what I will do for work/career. Also having lots of fun exploring and doing random things, but with this ridiculous back n forth indecision thing going on.

I realised after doing some healing work last year that a lot of this had to do with trauma I had sustained in the past, and some less than conscious/smart use of psychedelics. I've been a recovering space cadet for the last few years, with a lot of time feeling ungrounded and without my feet on the ground.

Anyway so in this lil decision making process I'm in at the moment, I'm noticing a sort of polarisation in my being.. where what I want to do in my mind is very much looking outside of me (staying in the Byron Bay region which has high unemployment and a housing shortage, but amazing community and nature), vs what I feel in my heart (go back south to Melbourne/Victoria where my family and most of my oldest friends are).

The former feels light, inspiring and with this quality of exploration, awe and seeking.

The latter feels grounding, slow, relaxed and kinda like coming home.


I find that my mind comes up with all kinds of reasons to not take the latter path.. its cold, I won't feel inspired down there, it's less spiritual (lol). And I guess there is fear there too.

I have actually been going back and forth between these two areas for several years (my friends are all like.. Ella! You're doing that thing again! And I always feel like I'm progressing somehow, like I'm finding what I'm looking for and that I'm not repeating the same pattern).

How can I balance my mind and my heart? How can I learn more about the qualities of the mind? I guess beneath both of these questions are some subquestions: What is the best way of being and moving in the world? Beneath that, is a fear of getting it wrong or believing that I already am doing it wrong.. Beneath that, is belief that there is a right and wrong.

How can I unravel these beliefs and come back to a place of harmony and unity within myself and with the universe?

My current meditation practice has lapsed a little, and I have dipped my toes into the following practices over the years: yoga (probably have practices this the most, kundalini and hatha), qi gong, vipassana, TM, The Spiral (kinesiology), a few kinda out there woo woo things, working with some curious healers trained in various shamanic lineages, EMDR, probably a couple of other things.

Anyway, I have been going round in circles for a long while now, I have definitely progressed in myself and working to release fear n hesitation n stuff.

It feels really good to just get it out.

Curious to know who can relate and what ideas or suggestions you all might have.

Big love <3

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