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I need guidance

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I don’t even know if this belongs in the sub, but I’m desperate for any piece of useful advice. I’ve only talked about this with my family and one therapist that didn’t hear me, and drew too many conclusions as to how I can heal without even researching my condition. This is extremely hard for me to express. I’ve had constant depersonalization for 4 years. There have been a few moments recently where I almost felt fully attached to myself, but I have to fight for them, and they’re short lived. My depersonalization was caused by smoking weed, and after waiting a month with no change in how I felt I used weed again after being suggested to “smoke again with good friends and have a better experience,” and I eventually got way too comfortable with the feeling of being disconnected. It’s so hard for me to forgive myself for continuing to use something habitually that has ruined the last 4 years of my life. Finally, about 5 months ago I got a wake up call. I had a friend over and we were smoking, I was listening to him talk about his life and while I was listening I started dissecting why he made decisions and why the talked about people and events the way he did, applying spiritual philosophy to it, and then the flood gates opened. I internally freaked out. This had never happened to me before. Constant information was pouring into my mind. I haven’t been the same person since. I feel more happy connected to my family than I did while I was smoking, but I’m a changed person since that event. I stopped smoking after that (fucking finally) and I’ve been trying to heal since then. I saw a shaman who did a reading and got nothing from it. I’m trying so hard. It feels impossible, it feels like my life is over and that I’ve fucked it all up. I don’t know if I opened my third eye that day 4 months ago, or if I had a psychotic break. I feel how connected everything is. I can feel a vibration build up until it’s climax in which it manifests as a sound in my house or a person making an subliminal uncomfortable gesture like rubbing their face or something. I don’t know what it is or if I’m making shit up in my head but it happens so often. it doesn’t even surprise me anymore. I’ve thought about suicide so many times. It all feels impossible, I often feel like I just got here. My memories don’t always feel like they’re mine. I don’t know what to anymore. Please help

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