I'm 23. Pain has accompanied me throughout my life. I say "accompanied" because I've carried it with me, both consciously and subconsciously. This past month has been most profoundly painful, specifically this past weekend. Boy, I was hurting deeply. I felt overcome with loneliness, powerlessness, and that nothing could distract me. I didn't have a fight in me; I hopelessly wallowed in my sorrows and succumbed to my misery. Felt fucking awful. But in doing so, I finally yielded. I let pain overcome me fully. It was powerful, metaphysical really, like mfing God was asking "are you going to finally commit to yourself or do I need to cause you further pain?!?" And then, in the thick of an overwhelming, drawn out meltdown, I had an insight: I falsely asserted that my sadness was passing, which was a disingenuous assumption to rid myself of a preeminent "life has forsaken me" mentality. Better yet, I AM disingenuous (with myself, principally, but I consequently reflect that back onto others). I'd been doing plenty of introspection prior to this. It wasn't until I was once again at my wits' end, however, that I realized none of this is being productively worked through because it's all tied to my ego. And the ego is simply affected by external forces no matter how humbling an experience was. In touting my supposed self-betterment and newfound awareness, I was STILL perpetuating this egocentric cycle: I turned acute introspection into a matter of pride by wearing it like a badge. And this is why, throughout my entire life, I've found myself going down the same path in pursuit of a 'glimmer of hope,' rather than taking the time to work through everything for my own sake. I'm the only person who can save myself, and it's time I acknowledge that happiness and love must first come from within if I want to share them with anyone else (and not fall codependent). To do so, I need to harmonize my ego and consciousness, find "completion" in my only constant: myself. Everything happens for a reason. I'm far too small to shift the tide of an ocean, but for most of my life, I've paddled futily and foolishly anyway, hoping sheer fight will change the facts of life. A relentless crusader for fleeting hopes, really. Moving on from this tired mentality is the start of the new me, where I CAN heal from CPTSD, purge my demons, and reclaim my self-worth. It's time I put faith in myself and discover my sense of self/identity. I now believe that life isn't about hope and aspirations, it's about achieving contentment through acceptance, understanding that much of life is greater than all of us. It's all about your mentality — this isn't rock bottom, it's my spiritual awakenening and rebirth. I may be lost now, but I'll find my way home.

tl;dr God? Kafka? A Shaman? told me to kill my ego in what I can only explain as a transcendental "breakthrough"


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