Late Night Snark: “Having Fun Yet?” Edition
“Dear Murder Hornets: Not now.”
“I feel bad for all these governors trying to enforce these shutdowns. I know a lot of people probably saw these [protester] videos and said to themselves, ‘Man, if black people were holding guns and shouting at police, that protest would end badly.’ But guys, please, please…that’s not true. The protest wouldn’t have ended badly. There wouldn’t be a protest. All the black people would’ve been pulled over on the way there.”
“I’m struck by how calm and casually Trump talks about the loss of human life. It’s like he’s changed his reelection campaign slogan from ‘Keep America Great’ to ‘Kill Americans? Groovy!’”
“President Trump visited Phoenix today and was joined on Air Force One by Arizona Senator Martha McSally. Which is pretty much the answer you’d expect to the question: who’s crazy enough to get on a plane right now?”
“Obviously, the biggest reason to worry about opening our country too soon is the warning from experts that it could cause another spike in coronavirus cases. And the second biggest reason to worry is that all of our offices definitely belong to the roaches now.”
“Researchers have discovered that otters are more likely to juggle rocks or pebbles when they’re hungry. So if you’re keeping track, that’s otter juggling study one, coronavirus vaccine zero.”
“TIME Magazine just announced its Person of the Year: it’s sourdough bread.”
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 8, 2020
Note: Remember kids, if you wear an intimidating Skeletar face mask to own the libs, it’s patriotism. But if your governor says you need to wear your intimidating Skeletar face mask so you won’t spew your germs everywhere and potentially kill people during a pandemic, it’s tyranny. Thank you for your attention in this matter. —Mgt.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til the general election: 179
Trump’s average approval in swing states AZ, FL, MI, NC, PA & WI, down from 53% in March according to PRRI polling: 38%
Registered voters who say they would vote for the Democratic House candidate and the Republican House candidate, respectively, on the ballot this November, according to Monmouth polling: 52%, 42%
Amount of money Brad Parscale has sucked up for himself after becoming Trump’s reelection manager in 2017: $38.9 million
Percent of Starbucks stores that plan to open by June: 90%
Date on which Windows 7 stopped being supported by Microsoft, sending the operating system into a downward spiral of booze and crime: 1/14/20
Total number of errors made in the 1886 World Series when the St. Louis Browns beat the Chicago White Stockings 4 games to 2: 63
Puppy Pic of the Day: Courtesy of Canine Companions for Independence, we bring you a brand new…LIVE PUPPY CAM!
JEERS to more fuel for Trump’s dumpster fire. The latest useful thing to be tossed into the flames by the Carnage & Chaos administration: Step-by-step CDC guidelines designed to help states responsibly re-open for business.
The 17-page report by a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention team, titled “Guidance for Implementing the Opening Up America Again Framework,” was researched and written to help faith leaders, business owners, educators and state and local officials as they begin to reopen.
It was supposed to be published last Friday, but agency scientists were told the guidance would “never see the light of day,” according to a CDC official.
Coincidentally, “Never see the light of day” is what Trump whispers to his tax returns every night before he turns in for his 30 seconds of sleep.
CHEERS to apt analogies. The Trump reelection campaign’s chief orc sent out a tweet yesterday comparing his boss’s chance of winning on November 3rd to the giant planet-killing technology displayed by the galactic empire in the Star Wars movies. Just one question, Brad: Do you mean the death star that got blown up by the rebels in Episode IV, the death star that got blown up by the rebels in Episode VI, the death star that got blown up by the rebels in Episode VII, the mothership with the giant planet-killing laser cannon that got blown up by the rebels in Episode VIII, or the entire imperial fleet of planet-killing star destroyers that got blown up by the rebels in Episode IX? I guess we’ll find out soon enough. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a Power Point presentation I have to work on for tomorrow’s strategy session with the Ewoks.
CHEERS to “Give ‘Em Hell Harry.” And happy 136th birthday to #33, the former haberdasher who said “I felt like the moon, the stars and all the planets had fallen on me” when he became president after FDR died in 1945. Back when he had some shred of relevance, George W. Bush liked to cling to the notion that his legacy would be vindicated over time, as Truman’s was. Or perhaps not: when Bush came into office, the country was enjoying virtually unprecedented peace and prosperity and he led us straight into depression and war. Truman’s situation was a bit different. From the book Rating the Presidents, in which over 700 historians and political gurus rank Truman #7:
Ahead of him was the task of leading a nation worn out from almost sixteen years of depression and war.
Truman circa 1959 in a reproduction of the Oval Office at his presidential library. You’ll die of old age before you find a “The Buck Stops Here” sign in Trump’s White House.
Truman paid heavily for the mood of the people and the troubles of the times. Contemporary opinion polls gave him terrible ratings. He was reviled, the endless butt of jokes like,”To err is Truman.”
In later, calmer years historians and political scientists assessing his standing consistently ranked him among America’s ten best presidents. Our poll participants give him high rankings in all categories, never dropping him lower than ninth and in the Accomplishments and Crisis Management categories ranked him sixth.
But, golly, it sure sucked when Dewey defeated him. Titter titter.
CHEERS to real “Mission Accomplished” moments. And speaking of Truman, World War II—which got started in 1939 when Mrs. O’Leary’s cow kicked a kerosene lantern into Adolf Hitler’s crotch (source: Conservapedia)—officially ended in Europe 75 years ago today. Truman famously said: “The flags of freedom fly all over Europe.” And the head of the House cafeteria famously said: “Hooray, we can finally change ‘freedom veal’ back to ‘wienerschnitzel.'”
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
Because most things suck right now please enjoy 1-minute of this Ã¢Â�Â�bear-naked lady enjoying a kiddie-pool while the world is locked down…pic.twitter.com/RYyGkwEDLU
Ã¢Â�Â� Rex ChapmanÃ°Â�Â�Â�Ã°Â�Â�Â¼ (@RexChapman) May 7, 2020
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to great moments in history. 226 years ago, the self-flushing toilet was patented. To drain a bunch of turds from your building, you just pulled a chain. If you want to witness the same effect at Fox News, just pull the fire alarm.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If you’re looking for a mediocre and half-assed listing of what’s appearing on home screens this weekend, you’ve come to the right mediocre and half-assed place. Things start out the usual Friday way with Chris Hayes and Rachel unpacking the day’s news dumps. Then at 10 on HBO, Bill Maher talks with spoiler Libertarian candidate Justin Amash, Dan Savage, and Amy Holmes on Real Time. Dateline NBC (9pm) offers a glimpse into the Mormon church and what makes people leave it. Living zen legend Jeff Goldblum is on The Graham Norton Show tonight (11, BBC America).
Now streaming on the Flix of Net.
New home video releases include Guy Ritchie’s British gangster movie The Gentlemen and the Michelle Obama documentary Becoming on Netflix. There’s a new At Home edition of SNL tomorrow night and a special Mother’s Day edition Sunday at 9. On 60 Minutes: the impact of Covid-19 on political races, Amazon workers blow the whistle on unsafe working conditions, and a segment on the proliferation of “ghost guns,” i.e. boom-booms that have no serial numbers. Lisa becomes part of a circle of snooty rich girls Sunday night on The Simpsons (Fox), and the Griffins are cooped up in a motel room during a storm and pass the time by re-imagining three stories from the Bible on Family Guy. And John Oliver, backed by his now-trademark bare white wall, wraps up the weekend with a new edition of Last Week Tonight on HBO.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Vista Equity Partners CEO Robert Smith; Dr. Jeffrey Shaman of Coriell Life; Michael Osterholm of the Center for Infectious Disease Research and Policy at the University of Minnesota; Senator Lamar Alexander (R-Moscow).
Also: the ghost of Lincoln turns up on all the Sunday shows to rip Trump four score and twenty new ones.
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: Former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb; Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation director Dr. Christopher Murray; University of Virginia president James Ryan; former Google CEO Eric Schmidt.
CNN’s State of the Union: Governor J.B. Pritzker (D-IL); Atlanta Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms; Regeneron CEO Dr. Leonard Schleifer; Some White House stooge, last name Hassett.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Dr. Tom Inglesby of the Johns Hopkins Center for Health Security.
Ten years ago in C&J: May 8, 2010
JEERS to Panderday. Yesterday marked the official National Day of Prayer on Capitol Hill. It’s the one day a year when Congress gets down on its knees for something other than giving corporate CEOs blowjobs. Meanwhile, as conservative Christians across the country gathered to ask God to give them a sign, the Dow plunged a thousand points in 30 minutes and recovered 30 minutes later. Always a comedian, that One.
And just one more…
[Our] 10th annual Mother’s Day Index shows that the work many moms typically perform for their households could justify an income of $93,920. After adding some additional jobs this year, we see a 32% increase over last year’s salary equivalent.
“Oh, an uncomfortable chair for Mother’s day? You shouldn’t have. Really. You shouldn’t have.”
Insure.com used federal wage data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics to find the financial value of 19 jobs that many mothers routinely perform. This year, in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, parents are homeschooling their children, so 20 hours per week performing that duty are factored into the assessment.
So why don’t we actually pay them for their toil? Because they’d just funnel the money into a tax-free “Mommy Account” in the Cayman Islands and use the interest to build a giant mom clone army with which to take over the world. So this Mother’s Day (Sunday), for the good of the planet, send her a gift-wrapped empty box and, when she opens it, tell her it’s a box full of love, which is invisible. And then when you see the look on her face on Zoom, take a moment to quietly reflect on how thankful you are she’s in lockdown many miles away.
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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